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Instead of "underwires" I'm leaning more towards "sharp metal objects whose only desire is to be free of their fabric channels and rather imbedding deep into soft, soft flesh"--but that might be too many syllables.
8:56 AM Comments (0) | TrackBack
I forgot to set the alarm last night and slept 11.5 hours last night (I average 6.5). I made up for the induced lethargy with half a pot a coffee Tara Reid-style and now I have mosquito brain. Deadlines! zah! Meetings! zoh! Projects! zeeeeeee!
On the plus side, my complexion is glowing and I'm speaking 128 words per minute.
4:31 PM Comments (0) | TrackBack
ObservationsDear Amy:
Thanks for the great idea - a Marshmallowtini. I'm on it, sister.
Things here at the Betty Ford Clinic have slowed down a little since Patrick Kennedy left, all "cured" and ready to take up the people's business again. I think Betty Ford has gone into the red after the three beds he broke with Norah O'Donnell, Chris Hitchens and Tucker Carlson. Apparently people of all persuasions find his strawberry blond moptop irresistible, or else they're just stealing his penile effluvia for blackmail later.
Gotta run - I'm supposed to be in the welcoming party for Tony Blankley. He just pulled up in his Lincoln Navigator, which is towing his Escalade. Guess he must've gotten his kid to breathe into the ignition, since he ran over Kirk Cameron trying to parallel park those fuckers. Kirk was supposed to be ministering to us in preparation for missionary work in Chad - so much for that! (I had no idea they had substance abuse problems over there.)
Fondly,
Your Derrière
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ObservationsDear My Derrière,
I understand that you recently decided to puff up like a marshmallow. Just because I spent the winter sitting around knitting and drinking booze, I don't agree that this was necessary. However, you obviously have a mind of your own and I suppose it is your prerogative. What I do not approve of is your behavior this morning as I was bending over to pick up my dropped keys. Was it really necessary to split the lining of my favorite slacks from hip to knee? I expect you to make restitution by immediately shrinking back to your former shape. And not splitting the pants any further until we make it home from work.
With Regards,
Amy
11:43 AM Comments (0) | TrackBack
Hey, my favorite Crack-Dealers-Next-Door!
As much as I've been enjoying that burning chemical smell wafting into the hallway, and as charming as your, ahem, "friends" visiting at 2am are, I think we should have a little sit-down to discuss some things.
I think that maybe -- just maybe! -- when you guys are on the crack, some of the fights you have are less than productive. Like the other day, when you screamed for 3 hours about how neither one of you wanted to go pick up the laundry from the laundromat. Hey, I'm totally with you, laundry is totally annoying, but I don't know that screaming, "I want my cloooooooooooooooooooooooooothes," in an almost-otherworldly howl is going to get you clean panties any faster.
So I'd like to recommend that you take some of your very ample leisure time to watch some Dr. Phil or read one of those Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus books or something. Selling crack to schoolchildren and city vagrants is important, yes, but there is nothing more important than a loving home!
Yours in Christ,
Sarah
8:41 AM Comments (1) | TrackBack
Dear Woman Who Called Me an Asshole in the Food Emporium,
I was in one of those brain dead zones common to supermarket shoppers everywhere when you strolled by me and coughed "Asshole." It took a while, but when I finally came to understand what you said, I realized that I was in the wrong and it must have been hard to pass by me while I was hopelessly searching for something on a shelf that I was convinced they had. See, I didn't realize there was a building support column sticking right out into the aisle right behind me. The reason it took me so long to realize you coughed "Asshole" was because your passive aggressiveness leans more on the passive side (which must be a constant source of frustration to you) and I thought you said "Awesome."
I got all caught up in what it could be that was so awesome about me. Frankly, I'm not good looking. Was it the new pants I got at the Max Studio outlet? They're a silk and linen blend that I got for the low-low price of $28.80! They're nice pants, but really, much nicer when you know how much they cost me. And, how could you know that? Was it due to my new exercise regimen? I don't think anyone would be able to tell I exercise at all, to tell you the truth. My flab knows no bounds, but I'm feeling better on the inside (well, slightly). My hair looked a mess, and as usual, my unmade face was coated by the oily sheen of a middle-aged acne victim at the end of a humid day. What could it have been that was so awesome about me? It must have been my shoes (Nike City Knifes - limited edition - UK only - thank you ebay). So, I settled on that -- it had to be my shoes. Only then did I start to wonder why you would have to disguise "awesome" in a cough, because you can just come right out and compliment someone on something. You don't have to hide it at all. But you could have been shy. Who knows?
And that was when it started to dawn on me that you might have coughed "asshole" at me, and that I misunderstood, and then I started to wonder about that. I did figure out that I was inadvertently blocking your path through the aisle because it was unnaturally narrow due to the aformentioned column. I just thought that was hysterical when I figured it out. So funny that I thought your mumbled passive agressiveness was a compliment! OMG. Even though I have a good sense of humor, I did want to apologize, just like I would have if you had said something like "excuse me," which would have made me realize my error a lot sooner. When I found you in the store to apologize, your passiveness hit an all time high by pretending not to hear me. I like to say that I "have a voice for the theater," but to be honest, I'm just loud. The act you put on just made me want to follow you even more and served to entertain many of our fellow shoppers as well. You can be very funny, you know. Now, if you can just turn that energy into something that might get you somewhere. This "angry" thing you have going on isn't really working for you. Perhaps a try at being empowered enough to actually say "excuse me," out loud, to another woman, in a public place might be a good place to start, but if that's too much too soon, maybe just accepting an apology from someone who isn't afraid to give one might work for you or at least get you a raise at that dead end job.
Sincerely,
Spaced in Aisle 6
P.S. If you're going to try the "angry" thing again, try it in a different neighborhood than the one in which you work, because the people you cough at, and subsequently run from, will see you every day thereafter.
9:54 PM Comments (0) | TrackBack
Unsolicited ConfessionsIn discussing the future of this site, we got to talking about what motivates us to do something. (Like, oh, say, post witty observations!) It's come to my attention that I respond best to anger and aggressively bullying. The sad-eyed disappoinment thing only brings me as far as paralytic guilt, and not one fucking thing is ever going to get done that way.
So, you know, here I am posting, and only because Amy said she'd kill my cats if I didn't.
8:24 AM Comments (0) | TrackBack
Consumer AdviceI wish instead of 'cell phones' people called them 'pocket phones'.
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Dear Newlyweds,
I know you are nearly twenty years old, obviously totally grown up. I know you are living on your own for the very first time, and you even made it to the Big City (if you are from south-eastern Idaho, this moniker totally includes Boise). I don't want to presume that you are, well, a lot backwards, but I feel I should share some neighborly advice with you.
It isn't okay to presume that your neighbors really want to take care of you in the way that your parents always have. "Neighbor" is not synonymous with grocer, laundress, and housesitter. Especially not all in one week. It also isn't okay to presume that your neighbors are super excited to be your new bff (best friend forever). Sitting on the stoop talking on the phone (because maybe cell reception in a garden apartment might be a little lacking) is not an invitation to strike up a conversation. Also, when your neighbors have company, that probably isn't the best time to pop over and share inane details of your life that no one is interested in but you. Most importantly, I know you wear the special underwear and definitely didn't enjoy each other's carnal pleasures until rings were ceremonially placed on each other's fingers, and yeah, sex is fun. However, you are subletting in a not-very-soundproof apartment building. I'm sure you're very devout, but are you really praying that much with all those, "Oh God, YES"'s?
These are a few things you might want to keep this in mind if you want to keep your interactions with your neighbors neighborly. Perhaps I shouldn't mention how much I'm looking forward to fall (you are returning to Rexburg when classes resume, right?), but it is rapidly becoming my favorite season.
With Regards,
Not Your Mommy
