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Dear Woman Who Called Me an Asshole in the Food Emporium,
I was in one of those brain dead zones common to supermarket shoppers everywhere when you strolled by me and coughed "Asshole." It took a while, but when I finally came to understand what you said, I realized that I was in the wrong and it must have been hard to pass by me while I was hopelessly searching for something on a shelf that I was convinced they had. See, I didn't realize there was a building support column sticking right out into the aisle right behind me. The reason it took me so long to realize you coughed "Asshole" was because your passive aggressiveness leans more on the passive side (which must be a constant source of frustration to you) and I thought you said "Awesome."
I got all caught up in what it could be that was so awesome about me. Frankly, I'm not good looking. Was it the new pants I got at the Max Studio outlet? They're a silk and linen blend that I got for the low-low price of $28.80! They're nice pants, but really, much nicer when you know how much they cost me. And, how could you know that? Was it due to my new exercise regimen? I don't think anyone would be able to tell I exercise at all, to tell you the truth. My flab knows no bounds, but I'm feeling better on the inside (well, slightly). My hair looked a mess, and as usual, my unmade face was coated by the oily sheen of a middle-aged acne victim at the end of a humid day. What could it have been that was so awesome about me? It must have been my shoes (Nike City Knifes - limited edition - UK only - thank you ebay). So, I settled on that -- it had to be my shoes. Only then did I start to wonder why you would have to disguise "awesome" in a cough, because you can just come right out and compliment someone on something. You don't have to hide it at all. But you could have been shy. Who knows?
And that was when it started to dawn on me that you might have coughed "asshole" at me, and that I misunderstood, and then I started to wonder about that. I did figure out that I was inadvertently blocking your path through the aisle because it was unnaturally narrow due to the aformentioned column. I just thought that was hysterical when I figured it out. So funny that I thought your mumbled passive agressiveness was a compliment! OMG. Even though I have a good sense of humor, I did want to apologize, just like I would have if you had said something like "excuse me," which would have made me realize my error a lot sooner. When I found you in the store to apologize, your passiveness hit an all time high by pretending not to hear me. I like to say that I "have a voice for the theater," but to be honest, I'm just loud. The act you put on just made me want to follow you even more and served to entertain many of our fellow shoppers as well. You can be very funny, you know. Now, if you can just turn that energy into something that might get you somewhere. This "angry" thing you have going on isn't really working for you. Perhaps a try at being empowered enough to actually say "excuse me," out loud, to another woman, in a public place might be a good place to start, but if that's too much too soon, maybe just accepting an apology from someone who isn't afraid to give one might work for you or at least get you a raise at that dead end job.
Sincerely,
Spaced in Aisle 6
P.S. If you're going to try the "angry" thing again, try it in a different neighborhood than the one in which you work, because the people you cough at, and subsequently run from, will see you every day thereafter.
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