LobsterGirl actually came up with this but since she is allergic to blogs and I don't know her password, history will remember that it was I who was clever!
So Bush is now saying if only we had stayed in Vietnam and finished the job, we would've won. Bold!I bet if Cheney and Bush had fought, they would've been the straw that broke the Viet Cong's back. And we would've won.
Hello, Pentagon!
Dear The Internets:
Re: this new fangled "adventure" the neo-hippie kids are supposedly taking these days called "phrogging."
You will probably see this on that flashy new YouTube Gone Real News program called I-CAUGHT!* tomorrow night. And while I don't doubt kids of all ages have been sneaking into homes for decades, stealing beer and maybe partaking in a few acts of vandalism, let's remember the lessons learned from The Blair Witch Project and just call bullshit on this "phrogging documentary" right now before you spend every night checking behind the shower curtains of your 3rd and 4th guest bathrooms of your McMansion before betime, shall we?
The voice "acting" alone of the couple who supposedly own the home featured in this "phrogging documentary" in like, scene 2 of day 2 is so, so bad, I can't believe you could actually take it seriously.
I may eat my words, but I don't think so.
Thankful to live in a studio apartment without much hiding-space for 'phroggers,'
Kelly
*to be pronounced with the same over exaggerated enthusiasm of "JUST JACK!" from Will & Grace fame
Dear Woman Who Called Me an Asshole in the Food Emporium,
I was in one of those brain dead zones common to supermarket shoppers everywhere when you strolled by me and coughed "Asshole." It took a while, but when I finally came to understand what you said, I realized that I was in the wrong and it must have been hard to pass by me while I was hopelessly searching for something on a shelf that I was convinced they had. See, I didn't realize there was a building support column sticking right out into the aisle right behind me. The reason it took me so long to realize you coughed "Asshole" was because your passive aggressiveness leans more on the passive side (which must be a constant source of frustration to you) and I thought you said "Awesome."
I got all caught up in what it could be that was so awesome about me. Frankly, I'm not good looking. Was it the new pants I got at the Max Studio outlet? They're a silk and linen blend that I got for the low-low price of $28.80! They're nice pants, but really, much nicer when you know how much they cost me. And, how could you know that? Was it due to my new exercise regimen? I don't think anyone would be able to tell I exercise at all, to tell you the truth. My flab knows no bounds, but I'm feeling better on the inside (well, slightly). My hair looked a mess, and as usual, my unmade face was coated by the oily sheen of a middle-aged acne victim at the end of a humid day. What could it have been that was so awesome about me? It must have been my shoes (Nike City Knifes - limited edition - UK only - thank you ebay). So, I settled on that -- it had to be my shoes. Only then did I start to wonder why you would have to disguise "awesome" in a cough, because you can just come right out and compliment someone on something. You don't have to hide it at all. But you could have been shy. Who knows?
And that was when it started to dawn on me that you might have coughed "asshole" at me, and that I misunderstood, and then I started to wonder about that. I did figure out that I was inadvertently blocking your path through the aisle because it was unnaturally narrow due to the aformentioned column. I just thought that was hysterical when I figured it out. So funny that I thought your mumbled passive agressiveness was a compliment! OMG. Even though I have a good sense of humor, I did want to apologize, just like I would have if you had said something like "excuse me," which would have made me realize my error a lot sooner. When I found you in the store to apologize, your passiveness hit an all time high by pretending not to hear me. I like to say that I "have a voice for the theater," but to be honest, I'm just loud. The act you put on just made me want to follow you even more and served to entertain many of our fellow shoppers as well. You can be very funny, you know. Now, if you can just turn that energy into something that might get you somewhere. This "angry" thing you have going on isn't really working for you. Perhaps a try at being empowered enough to actually say "excuse me," out loud, to another woman, in a public place might be a good place to start, but if that's too much too soon, maybe just accepting an apology from someone who isn't afraid to give one might work for you or at least get you a raise at that dead end job.
Sincerely,
Spaced in Aisle 6
P.S. If you're going to try the "angry" thing again, try it in a different neighborhood than the one in which you work, because the people you cough at, and subsequently run from, will see you every day thereafter.
Dear Tampax:
RE: the free sample attached to the box of Tampons I recently purchased.
Normally I am a fan of free samples. They’re free! However, after opening one of the free packets, my nose was assaulted with the not-so-fresh scent of daffodil or gardenias or some shit like that. Turns out your free sample was for your new “Fresh Scent” tampons.
Tampax, why do you insist my vagina smell like flowers?
Look, knock it off already. Do the job you are supposed to do and leave the scenting alone. My vagina is fine without your gardinias.
Helpfully yours,
kd
1. The furnace broke.
2. I called the landlord.
2. a. FIVE (5) days ago.
3. The landlord did nothing.
4. The landlord wants to sell my house.
4. a. The landlord is having a realtor's preview this morning.
5. This morning the house was Very Cold.
5. a. I made sure it was Even Colder before I left for work.
5. b. Because I turned off the space heaters and opened the windows and it was 36 degrees outside.
6. On the coffee table I left this note:
Dear Landlord,
I think maybe I didn't emphasize the severity of the situation. Could you please get someone to fix the furnace?
Thank you,
Amy
7. I wonder if the previewing realtors will be shivering and wondering why anyone would want to buy this house.
7. a. I wonder if my furnace will be fixed when I get home.
Mr. Roeper,
Having seen your movie review show more than once, I was not shocked
to see your comments on the Dove ad campaign per se. I expect most
of the things you put out there to be banal and juvenile.
I was surprised, though, at how much you hate women. Your wife sure
is lucky. (What's her dress size, by the by?)
Regards,
Sarah
To: rroeper@suntimes.com
re: Chunky women in their underwear have surrounded my house
You know, Richard Roeper, you are an idiot. And you don't just
sound superficial, shallow and sexist. You also sound like a serious
asshole. And no, not all men are superficial, shallow and sexist.
In fact, I know many men who are married to, dating, and/or seriously
attracted to, women who look very much like the women in the Dove
ads, AND EVEN LARGER, MORE BULBOUS women. These men don't mind
looking at non-models in their underwear. Often, they actually enjoy
it.
Hard to believe, I know.
Guess what, Richard Roeper, I can't stand looking at your face. I
find your face more than a little unsettling. That's why (among
other reasons) I don't watch your blisteringly mediocre movie review
show on ABC.
Roeper's (non) response?
please include name and daytime phone number if you would like your
email forwarded to richard roeper.
Should I respond:
A. Bite me.
B. Bite me, Richard Roeper's lackey.
C. What, doesn't he want a photo too? After all, I might be thin and
pretty.
D. Oh just forward the fucking email, you little stooge.
E. Nevermind - just tell him he left his big stinky thong at my house.
Actual response sent:
Why? Is he busier and more important than Dick Cheney or something? I just want him to hear from a member of the female persuasion - most of which, I am sure, think he's a total idiot.
Fin.
